Transcending The Illusions Of Fear

Personal Journey Log –

Yesterday morning, my higher self asked me a simple yet piercing question:

“What is the scariest thing you have ever experienced? Something that brought you the most fear?”

I sat with this question longer than I expected. My mind flipped through its internal catalog of memories—haunted places, malevolent spirits, waking up to an incubus hovering over me, the unseen forces that have lurked in the shadows of my life. I’ve danced with fear more times than I can count. But none of those were the answer.

The memory that surfaced was something that occurred in the physical, something my body had stored away, buried beneath layers of time and self-preservation. And now, in this period of deep purification and purging, my higher self brought it forward. Not to torment me, but to show me something—something I needed to see, feel, and integrate.

It was spring of 2018. If you’ve followed my journey, you know that I don’t sugarcoat my truth. What I’m about to share may be difficult to read, so before proceeding, take a moment to check in with your body.

That night, my then-partner and I had been fighting for hours—though ‘fighting’ isn’t quite the right word. It was more like emotional warfare. I don’t remember what sparked it, but I remember trying to escape. Over and over, I tried to leave, only to be “captured” and dragged back inside. Furniture was thrown. A fridge. A lamp. My keys scraped his arms as I tried to break free from his grip, and suddenly I was being accused of physical abuse—twisting reality into a weapon against me.

I had never felt fear like that before. I truly thought that death was the only way I would be able to get out of this. After what felt like an eternity, the physical violence stopped, though the verbal assaults continued. A moment of “calm.” And in that pause, I ran.

I ran through the back door, with nothing but my cellphone, and into the alley behind my apartment. There was a grocery store nearby, its dumpsters tucked beneath the cover of trees. I crouched behind them trying to make myself as small and quiet as possible.

He was outside, searching for me, yelling my name into the night. His voice was venom. He was so angry, so terrifying. I stared at my phone. No one to call. No family. No friends. No support.

Desperation took over, and I made a Facebook post—asking if anyone was awake, if anyone had a couch I could crash on. Out of over 3,000 friends, the only responses I received were from men trying to take advantage of my vulnerability.

So I stayed. Behind the dumpsters. Crying, cold, alone, fearing for my life. I asked myself how I had ended up here. How could someone who claimed to love me treat me with so much hatred? Why did I deserve this?

Then I heard the voices of Police. Relief rushed through me. Finally, I was going to be ‘saved’ from this. Except—I wasn’t.

I listened as he charmed the officers, convincing them he was just a concerned boyfriend. They told him to keep it down and left. They never looked for me. Never asked if I was okay. And then, silence.

I didn’t move for a long time. I knew how these games worked. If he found me now, after being humiliated in front of the police and neighbors, it would be worse.

Eventually, I decided to leave my hiding place. But as I reached the alley’s entrance, there he was. A dark silhouette standing under the streetlight, arms puffed up. My heart stopped. I thought, This is it. This is when I die.

But, his voice softened. “Come here,” he said.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry. Please, let’s just go inside.”

And just like that, I was back in his arms, crying, playing his game. Because I knew if I didn’t, it would never end. Inside, he began his performance again—telling me how worried he had been, how stupid I was for hiding somewhere unsafe. As if I had been safer in my own home. As if, I ran and hid for no reason whatsoever.

This was the memory that surfaced when I felt deeply into the question my higher self brought forth. The moment I had felt the most fear. It wasn’t in the unseen – fears that I have been currently working through. It was a physical experience that had been kept alive playing over and over again in my body, in my nervous system, in my fascia. This was the first time I came back to that moment.

I sat with this, and for the first time, I didn’t just acknowledge it—I felt it. I held that version of myself in love and compassion, allowing all the emotions that had been frozen in my body to surface.

For so long, I had unconsciously played the role of the victim. Not outwardly—but internally, in the way my body still carried this trauma, in the way parts of me had stayed frozen in that alley, behind that dumpster, believing she was alone.

But now, I see things differently. These experiences were not punishments. They were lessons. They were initiations. They shaped me, tested me, strengthened me.

And in this now present moment, deep state of purification, as I clear and dismantle old templates & timelines, my higher self showed me why this needed to come up.

“You see how you were able to face and survive one of your most fearful times? A time where you thought death was the only way out—you faced it. You faced death head-on and survived. I am showing you this to prepare you for the next phase.”

The ego fears expansion. Perceiving its own death in the face of transformation. It grips, it panics, it throws up shadows to keep us trapped in the illusion of limitation. But the lesson here is not to fight or suppress these aspects of ourselves—it is to integrate them. To walk through them.

I used to believe that healing required killing off parts of myself. That in order to “transcend,” I had to strip away all that was wounded, all that was broken. But now, I understand.

Nothing needs to die.

Every part of us, even the darkest corners, holds wisdom. Every wound carries a key to deeper power.

To truly transcend, we do not kill our shadows. We meet them. We listen. We bring them home.

The dismantling of old identities, the purging of outdated beliefs, the death of the illusion—these things feel terrifying, because they are a confrontation with the unknown. The mind equates change with death, but the soul knows the truth:

This is not death. This is alchemy.

So in this state of deep purification, with so many fears and stories being thrown in my face, I use these stories and illusions that the mind is creating as breadcrumbs to shadow aspects of myself that need some love. Observing and questioning. Approaching this ‘darkness’ with love.

Fear is not the enemy. It is the gateway.

It is the great initiator, the threshold we must cross to step closer to embodying our pure essence.

Fear strips us bare, forcing us to confront the falsities we have clung to—outdated programming, false beliefs, everything that cannot exist in the expanded version of us. It is the teacher that shows us where we are still bound, still playing small, still entangled in the illusion of separation. Where we haven’t yet acknowledged or integrated the wisdom from the lesson.

I do not destroy my shadows. I embrace them. I integrate them. I love them back into wholeness.

Because nothing in me needs to die. Not the parts that once believed they were powerless. Not the parts that hid behind dumpsters, trembling. Not the parts that walked back into the arms of the abuser.

They are all fragments of me, waiting to be seen, waiting to be loved, waiting to come back home.

True transcendence is not found in suppressing or erasing what once was. It is found in integrating every experience, every wound, every fear—without shame, without rejection.

Every experience has been divinely orchestrated to activate growth and expansion. Contracts that we had agreed to before even coming to Earth. To hide away, to hold shame, to ignore, even to hate what we have gone through goes against the divine plan that we co-created. We cannot truly love who we have become or who we are becoming while hating & playing victim to the experiences that shaped us. True transcendence is through this understanding.

The more shadow I can hold, the more light I can embody.

This is the paradox of true healing and transcendence. The deeper we go into our darkness, the more space we create for light. The more we allow ourselves to fully witness, feel, and integrate the darkness within, the more we expand our capacity to hold, channel, and embody divine light, love, and joy.

For so long, we have been conditioned to fear the shadow—to exile, suppress, or “kill” the aspects of ourselves that hold pain, fear, rage, grief, or shame. We are taught that enlightenment means purity, that ascension means shedding all that is “low vibrational.” But this is a distortion.

The truth is, light without shadow is an illusion.

Wholeness is not found in eradicating darkness. It is found in integrating it.

The more I lean into the depths of my being—the parts I once rejected, the wounds I once tried to forget, the fears that used to control me—the more I transmute them into wisdom, power, and divine presence.

Because shadow is not the absence of light. Shadow is simply unilluminated consciousness. And when I bring light to these unacknowledged parts of myself, they do not disappear. They transform.

The more I face my own rage, the more compassion I can hold.

The more I meet my grief, the more love I can embody.

The more I allow my fear to exist without resistance, the more sovereignty I reclaim.

To hold more light is not to escape darkness—it is to integrate it.

This is what it means to be sovereign. This is what it means to be whole. This is what it means to embody divinity.

And so, I do not fear my shadows. I welcome them. I breathe with them. I love them back into harmony. I question what they need to show me. I approach any fear that arises with love and curiosity.

Because the more shadow I can hold, the more light I can embody. And the more light I embody, the more of my power I reclaim and the more my true essence shines through.

So I ask you, What is the scariest thing you have ever faced. What moment in your life filled you with so much fear you thought you wouldn’t survive it?

Now, step outside of it. Look at it from expanded consciousness.

What wisdom does it hold for you? What happens when you take a deep breath and walk through the fear?

Because you are not a victim. You never were.

Fear does not mean you are weak. It means you are standing at the threshold of transformation.

So breathe through it.

Surrender.

Step into your power.

And transcend.